Matchday // Match 1 v Tesco Mafia - Season 8 // Cillit Bang FC

9v5 = Massively Unfair Contest

Team News: A. Muppet was the only absentee. 3 substitutes available, with Hoss here for the season opener.

Previous Results: No previous encounters.

First Half

Goal 1-0 // 12 Rizzo - Assist 14 Kermit

Other than Tesco Mafia enjoying the luxury of first shot of the season. It was CBFC who enjoyed such an early goal to the fresh new campaign. Kermit and Beaker working the ball down the right before the number 14 shoots at the earliest opportunity. Rizzo benefits from the blocked shot as the ball trickles between the players legs allowing himself to the first goal of the season.

Goal 2-0 // 14 Kermit - Assist 17 Swedish Chef

With pressure on the team from kick off and rewarded as Kermit's shot at close range to the keeper found its way rolling out of the box, closest to the ball Swedish Chef strikes it at goal with Kermit on hand to guide the off target shot into the net. Barely a minute into the game.

With the lovely weight ball over the top by Beaker, Rizzo with the layoff for Chef, he should of scored by taking a touch but his decision to shoot first time was to his misfortunate with the ball bouncing up on him at point of the strike. The ball landing in the middle of a pool outside the pitch. Not very funny for the season's opening game.

Another lovely move with the same play as before a sublime Beaker ball over the defence with Rizzo squaring the ball. However Kermit was a little closer to goal and missed the chance to score a second as the keeper closed down the shot.

Goal 3-0 // 12 Rizzo - Assist 4 Beaker

With Oscar breaking down the most promising move from the Mafia, Rizzo and Beaker combined on the halfway line with last season's top playmaker playing the diagonal ball on the end of Rizzo's run for a cut back across goal.

Goal 4-0 // Hoss - Assist 14 Kermit

Hoss tackles to win the ball on the wing, Kermit finds Hoss with a pass as he knocks it back, Oscar is there to shoot. Still with the ball Kermit switches play for Hoss to score in at the back post.

Goal 4-1 // Tesco Mafia

After facing a torrid start to a debut season, there was a bit of joy for Tesco. Forcing forward leaving Fozzie to face the first save of the season a kick in was won and taken quickly, the scorer got the shot off too easily as the pace and dip of the ball took it past Fozzie's hand.

Back on the charge after losing any hope of the clean sheet. Big Bird miscued his build up to a piledriver. Chef fell symptoms again to a developing horrible day for himself, Hoss picked the ball up on the halfway line dribbled forward before crossing the ball towards the back post. The keeper's hand on the ball was enough to put off the tap in for a horrible miscue.

Goal 5-1 // 6 Oscar - Assist 5 Gonzo

A clever run across the box gave Oscar the chance to glance goalwards Gonzo's corner. Oscar maintains his 100% record of scoring on another season debut.

Goal 6-1 // Hoss

Tesco Mafia were trying to pass their way out of trouble as CBFC just cornered them from all angles. Hoss intercepts a pass meant for the keeper. His first shot at the near post is saved onto the post. The rebound was never going to be missed.

This was a harsh lesson to the new side, coming up against the experienced Cillit Bang FC. Unprepared with only 5 players and no recognised keeper, even more so when Oscar felt the need to donate some gloves at half-time. At least the Mafia could start to dive in the way of some shots.

Second Half

Goal 7-1 // 12 Rizzo (Hat-trick) - Assist Hoss

Much like the first half it takes less than the first minute to score. After a move breaks down Beaker passes down the line to Chef, in field to Hoss and off to the right for Rizzo to claim his hat-trick side footing the ball in off the goalkeeper's foot.

Goal 7-2 // Tesco Mafia

Mafia keep the ball for a long period at kick off, before striking the ball from long range, the dip on the ball at the last moment deceives the flight Fozzie had been following.

Tesco Mafia were a good side with the glimpses of play from their outfield players. Showing skills and good ball control however the defensive structure was appalling considering the situation, no way should they have let in this many goals. There was sympathy somewhere but considering this used to happen to CBFC a few seasons ago sometimes week in week out. It was a good day to bump up the goals and assists all round. Funnily enough last time CBFC played against a team with a man short they lost embarrassingly. Not this time.

Goal 8-2 // 12 Rizzo (Hat-trick) - Assist 4 Beaker

Not much else to talk about here as more time was spent waiting for kick off due to the endless goals. Beaker wins the ball and with his playmaking vision plays a perfect pass to Rizzo's feet with barely a need to look longer than a millisecond. Rizzo scores a wonderful goal hitting the inside of the side netting. 4 shots - 4 shots on target - 4 goals - 1 Quad-trick. Not bad.

Goal 9-2 // Hoss (Hat-trick) - Assist 17 Swedish Chef

Hoss follows up Rizzo's hat-trick with one of his own, another tackle won in typical fashion, dribbling forward linking up with Swedish Chef, the cutback gave him all the time in the world to accurately smash in the goal.

Goal 10-2 // 17 Swedish Chef - Assist 12 Rizzo

With only four outfield any bad pass was punished with the lack of cover, Chef blocks the kick in before making the run to support Rizzo. This time (after the missed opportunity in last season's cup match) the two players score from a 2vkeeper scenario with Chef ending his bad run of form. Mafia had given up any hope resigned to the goal with no tracking back.

Goal 11-2 // 14 Kermit - Assist 12 Rizzo

Kermit emulating Oscar with some movement in the box on a set piece, running in front of the defender first to the ball he guides Rizzo's short pass delicately through the keeper's legs.

Goal 12-2 // 12 Rizzo - Assist 4 Beaker

A rare Fozzie goal kick won and headed down by Rizzo, Beaker got to the ball first poking the ball around the keeper. Collecting the ball and riding some pressure the fifth goal came after Rizzo collected himself and slotted the ball past the defender on the floor. The first 6-aside game for CBFC with a scorer picking up five goals.

Both Rizzo and Kermit had golden chances to score more when facing just one player to beat. Rizzo not scoring surprisingly with just his fifth shot on goal, good work from the makeshift keeper to close him down. Kermit combined with Rizzo on another attack with just a defender to beat he found the wrong part of the goal for his hat-trick chance.

Goal 12-3 // Tesco Mafia

Showing class when they had the possession, the scorer kept the ball from the free kick moving with trickery before slamming the ball goalwards. A hint of what's to come in the season ahead.

Disallowed Goal - CBFC 12 Rizzo

Straight from the resulting kick-off from the previous goal. Oscar charges to the right before dinking the ball into the box for Big Bird. The defender blatantly pushes the ball away with his hand. Rizzo following up volleys the ball into the net but not before the referee hastily blows his whistle for the foul.

Goal 13-3 // 8 Big Bird - Assist 12 Rizzo

Rizzo feeds the ball through the defence into 8's feet. Big Bird yet to be involved the goal frenzy shows pure class turning and lobbing the keeper with the correct pace to take the ball over the line before anyone can stop it. The last and best goal of the game.

So an excellent start to the season, as first place belongs to solely to CBFC this time around. Even if they were very lucky and fortunate to come up against a vastly underprepared new team. A good game to cash in on some assists and goals, though a little too easy and feeling of empty for the most part.

Full-Time Result: Cillit Bang FC 13-3 Tesco Mafia